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           Somebody ought to gag my mouth! It’s my mouth that gets me into more trouble than anything else. Maybe I had better start at the beginning so you'll know what I mean.
           You see I am the famous actor Bradley Pintelwithe, you may have heard of me. Anyway one day we were on our way out to the desert location where we going to shoot my new western movie. The Director was telling me that they had hired a good stunt double for me to do all of the hard parts in the movie. And then I heard my mouth telling him that I didn't need any stunt double. I could do anything those cowboys could do.
           Royce the stunt man must have heard me spouting off because when we were halfway out to the location our camera truck broke down and Royce came looking for me while we waited for them to get it fixed. He wanted to know if I really thought I could handle all of the stunts in the picture and I told him sure, no problem, but he didn't believe me.
           Next thing I knew old Royce was leading me away from our little movie caravan so that we could have some privacy. “You know that cabin scene we're going to do?”
           Sure, I knew my script backwards and forwards. The cabin scene was where the bad guys tie me up and I have to put up a real struggle before I could get free to rescue the girl in time.
           “Let’s start with a little rope,” Royce drawled.
           Without even asking, he grabbed my arms in his strong hands and pulled both of my soft hands behind me. Then I could feel some rope be wrapped all around my wrists really tight and then tied even tighter.
           “Ouch! That hurts, Royce!”
           “A real cowboy wouldn't complain. Here, suck on a little knot.”
           All of a sudden he shoved a thickly knotted bandanna into my mouth and then began pulling the two ends of the cloth back really hard against the corners of my mouth. Then he tied the ends together behind my neck, and -- “How’s that? Too tight…?”
           I tried to tell him yes it hurt, but now my tongue was now caught under that band of cloth so that all I could do is nod my head and make stupid noises. “Good! You can use that for motivation,” he instructed.
           Then everything became kind of a blur as hi strong hands spun me one way and then the other and more and more ropes were wrapped and tied tight around my body. “That’s right you just have a seat there. Don’t worry about getting dirty. I just need to add a couple more of these pigging strings.”
           I wanted to tell him to stop, but by now so much of my sloppy drool had soaked into that bandanna knot that it felt as big and slippery as a summer peach sliding around inside my mouth.
           “All right now let’s see you struggle some,” Royce drawled at me.
           I started straining against the ropes and wiggling my body around some.
           “My word, you are pitiful!” Royce spat into the grass beside me. “Struggle! Really get down in that dirt and let’s see a little sweat and pain there Movie Star!”
           His words hurt and so I really tried. It hurt, and I felt dirty, and I think maybe I was bleeding somewhere, but I really couldn't tell because so much sweat was running off of my body everywhere.
           All of a sudden I heard this slithering rattling sound somewhere behind me.
           “Ssssneeek!” I squeaked into my soggy mouthful of bandanna.
           “Shucks!” Royce swore. “Ain't no snakes out this time of day. They won't be out ‘til it starts to cool down this evening. That was probably just some little old Gila monster.”
           Gila monster! Oh, I didn't like this! I wanted to be back home in Beverly Hills. I wanted my nice cool swimming pool and my sweet latte’ and my nice silk sheets.
           “You stay here awhile and practice some more. I need to get something from my truck,” Royce drawled as he sauntered away from where I was lying on the dirty ground.
And just to show you how new and stupid I was, I believed him. And then I really started to get into it; struggling and rolling around, and straining against those knots. And I think I was just beginning to get the hang of it when I heard a motor start. And then I heard a whole bunch of motors start.
 The movie company! They were all driving off, and they were leaving me!
I screamed and screamed into that soggy bandanna, but nobody could hear me over the roar of all of those motors. And then the sound of those motors drifted far, far away and I was left all alone.
All alone out here in the dirt with the Gila monsters and later the snakes and then later the I-don’t-know-what’s and I finally figured out why those coyotes howl so much.

THE END

Date of Production: 05/24/2005