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  “For the last time I'm telling you, keep your paws off of my satellite dish!” 
            “But they're stealing signals from my TV set,” my next door neighbor stomped his foot.
“What?”  The only thing worse than putting up with a dim-wit was putting up with a crazy dim-wit.  This guy’s name was Obie and he was the craziest dim- wit I had ever run across.
            “You can't fool me Taggart,” Obie cried and tried to get into my chest.  “Those satellite people are smart.  There’s no telling what they might be doing up in space.”
            “Nobody’s stealing nothing.  Now get out of my face before you get hurt!”
            I couldn't believe it.  Obie actually took a swing at me.  All too easily I captured his puny fist and then twisted his arm up behind his back.  “Okay Obie, you asked for it.  You're coming with me.”
            “Ow!  That hurts!  Where're you taking me?”
            “I'm taking you to Satellite Land.”
            Obie didn't like it, but every time he resisted I cranked his arm up a little higher, and soon he was up on his tiptoes and marching like a good soldier right into my house.
            Once we were inside, Obie looked around the room with big frightened eyes and began to struggle some more.  “What're you going to do to me?”
            “I don't know Obie,” I smiled at him.  “But I think you're T-shirt is giving me an idea.”
            Obie looked down at his T-shirt and blinked his big eyes.  The T-shirt had been printed with nice big letters that said IF YOU CAN ROPE ME, YOU CAN RIDE ME.  “Oh no, you couldn't, you just couldn't.  HELP…!  Somebody help me!” he started crying.

           I clamped my fingers over his mouth and ignored the way he was slobbering all over my hand while I bulldogged him down onto my living room floor.  Poor Obie had no way of knowing it, but I was kind of a cowboy fan myself, and I always kept some rope handy.  And, in no more time than it takes to tie a pigging string on a calf, I had both of Obie’s wrists lashed together behind his back.
            “Ow!  That rope hurts!  Let me go—please!”
            “Not until I find out if I can ride you.  First we need something for a bit.”  I pulled a sweaty bandanna out of my pocket, ran it through my fingers to make a rough band, and then began pressing that taut cloth against Obie’s lips.
            Not being very smart, Obie opened his mouth to tell me; “No, I ain't gonna let you put that thing in my mouth.”
            But there was no way Obie could stop me from slipping that thick band of cloth between his teeth and he could only moan and groan while I tied the two ends of the bandanna together behind his neck.
            Then I pulled him up onto his knees by the hair of his head and showed him the size of my fist.  “Listen to me, Dish For Brains, you keep on struggling and I'll not only ride you, I'll brand you too.”
            Obie kind of moaned and sighed behind the band of cloth that was filling up his mouth, but he didn't try to do any resisting while I pushed him down onto the floor and then used a couple of more pieces of rope to lash his knees and ankles together.
            Then I let him kind of grunt and grovel while he rolled around on the floor and begged me to turn him loose.  But I had other plans as I made a third piece of rope ready.
            “Maybe you don't know it, Obie, but you really pissed me off.  Now I'm of a mind to watch you suffer for awhile instead of watching my TV.  How’s that sound?”
            “Mmmease Gister Gaggart…” Poor Obie couldn't make any real words with his lips slobbering all over and my bandanna clogging up his tongue.
            And I swear I could see little tears in his eyes as I bent him up and used that third rope to put him into a painful hogtie.  “Now I want you to be real quiet Obie.”
            Then I let him lie there and suffer the pain of my ropes while I patiently explained to him exactly how a satellite TV works.  I could see that he really wasn't too interested in hearing about this, but I'll admit that I was really enjoying the way he was twisting and straining around and trying to move his tightly bound body into some other position that wouldn't hurt so much.
            “So you see Obie, my satellite dish isn't bothering you at all,” I finally finished explaining.
            Then I knelt down across his chest and XXXX him to look up at me and read my lips.  “Now Obie, in a few minutes I'm going to take that gag out of your mouth, and then you're going to promise me that you'll never touch my satellite dish again, you understand?”
            Obie nodded and grunted and almost XXXXd on his own drool.
            “Now Obie, this is important, do you know what cowboys do to bulls when they don't want them to be bulls any more?”
            Obie thought about that real hard for a minute or so and then suddenly his eyes got real big and he started making all kinds of little piggy noises behind his gag.
            “That’s right Obie, and if I ever catch you near my satellite dish again, that’s what is going to happen to you.”
            I pulled the soggy rag out of his mouth and almost put it right back in again because right away he started slobbering all over me.
            “I…I'm sorry Mister Taggart.  I won't do it no more, that’s a promise, only you got to let me go on being a bull, you know?”
            Like I said, the only thing worse than a dim-wit is a crazy dim-wit.

Obie played by Stan
Taggert played by Rod
Photography byCaitiff