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 It was a dark and stormy night. Chris shivered as the wind whistled through the chinks in the partially renovated house. Where the heck was his replacement? He was already 10 minutes late, and Chris didn’t want to be in this creepy house one minute longer than necessary. The house was moaning and groaning as if it were alive. The cheapskate security firm he worked for hadn’t even got around to giving him a proper uniform, let along issuing him a XXXX or even a handy little can of pepper spray. Chris winced as he heard a particularly loud bang downstairs.
"Phil, is that you? Hey, stop being more of a jerk than usual. Answer me!"
Damn, the idiot probably hadn’t turned on his hearing aid. Chris reluctantly started to go descend the stairs. He really, really hated this job. The house was being guarded because the owners had stored their collection of valuable antiques in a couple of the rooms downstairs. Chris wished that they had taken all of their old junk with them to the place they were renting. Chris jumped as he heard the banging noise again.
  "Phil, are you there. If you haven’t got your hearing…AAAGGH!"
"Don’t make a sound, pip-squeak.  Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir, anything you say , sir. I’ll be good. ."
Minutes later Chris found himself sitting in a chair, his hands taped behind him. More of the sticky tape surrounded his chest, holding his arms to his side. His mouth was sealed shut with yet more of the tape.
"Now, are you going to sit here nice and quietly while I strip this place bare?"
  Chris nodded his head vigorously. He sure wasn’t going to disagree, not with that huge nasty XXXX pressed right his head. He would sit here, nice and safe and sound, while the big bad man took away all of that old stuff. Now the owners could go to WalMart and buy some spiffy new furniture.
"Chris, sorry I’m late. It’s dark and stormy outside, you know. Hey, Chris, where are you?"
Uh oh, Chris thought as he heard Phil calling out for him. He had completely forgotten about Phil. Phil was such a moron; he would probably do something incredibly stupid.
  "Hey, Chris, what happened to you? Why do you all of that tape covering you? Are you playing some kind of game?"
Oh jeez, Chris thought. This is even worse than I expected. How can he be so frigging stupid?
"You know that you’re supposedly to be fooling around on the job. I’m going to tell the supervisor about this. You’ll be lucky not to be fired."

 "GGGGMMMPHHH! GGMLOOKMMBEHINDMYOU!"
"It’s your own fault. Don’t bother trying to argue with me. As soon as I sign out tomorrow morning, I’m going to call Mr. Morrison and tell him all about this. I’m going to keep some of the tape as evidence, too.
"MMMLOOOOKMBEHINDMUUMMFUCKINGMMMMORON!"
"Did you just call me a moron? I’m going to tell…GGGLLUGGGH."
"Gee, you guys have to tell me what other places your outfit is guarding. If all of the other guards are as stupid as you two, I’ll be able to make a real killing. Where in the name of God do they find you?
  Chris glowered at the bad guy as he picked up the conscious Phil, and started taping him up. Sure, Phil WAS stupid, but there was nothing wrong with Chris’s brain. He had graduated from high school! He was even thinking of taking a security guard course at the local community college. It had some other name, but he knew that was what it was all about – how to be a good security guard. He would get a certificate, or something.
"You two had better not give me any more trouble. I want you both to sit here as quiet as little mice. Is that understood?"
"MMMYETHYETHMMNOMTROUBBLE." The two taped-up security guards enthusiastically nodded their heads.
"Good, I’m glad that you two bozos have a little bit of sense. Time to get back to work."
  Chris and Phil sat petrified, not daring to move, for what seemed like hours. They heard a lot of grunting and banging as the burglar carted out the precious antiques. Long after the noise had ceased, they still sat there, motionless.
"GGGCHRISMMIMGOTTAMPEE."
"MMMEEMMTOOM!"
"GOOTHINKMESMGONE? MIGOTTAPEEGGLREALBAD."
  Chris, not relishing the thought of sitting next to Phil as he peed all over the place, and suffering from an uncomfortably full bladder himself, struggled to his feet. He stood there, waiting for Phil to join him. Phil just sat there , staring up at Chris.
"MMSHTANDUPMUDOPE! GGHOWMUNTIENEACHMMOTHERIFUMSITTING THERELIKEMADUMMY?"
Phil scowled at Chris, but realizing that he was right, he too managed to get to his feet. Chris was a big bully and Phil was going to make sure that he reported him to their supervisor as soon as they got untaped. That would teach him a lesson.
"MMOUUCHH!"
"GGMMSHUTMUPANDMPULL!"
  Muttering and swearing at each other, the two guards gingerly picked away at the tape that was holding them captive. Phil, with his bladder about to rupture, worked away feverishly. He could feel the sweat running down his legs – a sure prelude to an unfortunate accident. He didn't want that to happen again!
With a triumphal grunt, Rod pulled at the last of the tape holding his hands behind his back. Gee, but that felt good. He flexed his arms to get the blood flowing.
"MMUNTIEMMEMNOWWWWWWWW!"
Chris looked at the agonized expression on Phil’s face and got to work quickly. He had seen that expression before and knew what it meant. He speedily undid the tape binding Phil, hoping that his colleague would be able to control himself until he was free.
  Chris ripped off his own gag.
"GO! Don’t make a mess!"
Phil wasted no time in scampering off, though even in his extremity he was plotting Chris’s downfall. He didn’t have to worry, since both Chris and Phil were fired, and their employer was XXXX into bankruptcy by the ensuing lawsuit.

Chris played by Rod
Phil played by Patrick

Photography by Caitiff